


Seminar

by Skeren



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Deliberate Critique of Badfic, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It's discussing the topic, This is a Humor fic though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-23 01:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skeren/pseuds/Skeren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>14:00: Get rooming assignments and unpack.</p><p>16:00: Orientation.</p><p>17:00: Seminar on the proper protocols for being raped by Sephiroth. </p><p>19:00: Fangirl management.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Seminar

**Author's Note:**

> Written February 2007
> 
> I did not write this to make light of the topic of rape! I actually wrote this because I had just run into a rash of TERRIBLE fanfic that portrayed the topic in romanticized fashion, were horribly out of character, or just plain were _weird_. This was my counter to those, by taking possession of the idea and throwing it back into the wild.
> 
> I will also say that the bits of badfic I wrote for this fic took twice as long as the rest of the fic put together. It's _hard_ to write badfic if you're used to writing better fic.

**14:00: Get rooming assignments and unpack.**

**16:00: Orientation.**

**17:00: Seminar on the proper protocols for being raped by Sephiroth.**

**19:00: Fangirl management.**

* * *

It was currently almost five in the afternoon, and their entire group was being ferried along from the boring lecture they'd just been put through. Some of the people doing the ferrying seemed pretty nice at least, the one with the black hair especially. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole thing, but it had to be explained, right? There had been way too many subtle hints that said there was more to this than just being a soldier, and the schedule definitely said as much. Sometimes being a professional anything came with way too many weird requirements.

Getting settled with his fellow cadets as their main escort moved to the front of the auditorium, he saw the nice man who had brought them in, a SOLDIER from what he'd heard, step up on the stage.

"Hello! I bet you're all really confused what this has to do with being part of the military?" The man waited for nods and sounds of agreements before he continued talking. "Well, it doesn't. It has to do with Fandom. I know that wasn't covered in orientation, but that was you getting ready for your real lives, not what the fans would do to you. My name is Zack, and no I don't have a last name, whatever you might hear. That might change in the near future, but so far so good. Before we get started, does anyone have any questions?"

Some hands raised, and the first person called was one of the quieter boys in the squadron. "What are we doing here if it has nothing to do with our lives, sir?"

"That will mostly be answered in the workshops after the seminar, but essentially, you boys will be, at some point, subjected to being brutalized by our even-tempered general Sephiroth. I know, you don't think you're well known enough for that, any of you, even if he _did_ decide to do that, but you are all original characters. Some of you are even evil twins and stand-ins for those of us better known to fandom at large, right?" Zack nodded until he saw some in the audience nodding along with him, then clasped his hands and gave them all a proud smile. "Okay, you guys need to realize that you're just as likely, if not more so, to get into the strangest situations as those of us who are well known. We are here to make sure that when the time comes, you don't try to fight the events. It will just make it harder on you later. Trust me, the fangirls _will_ make you bend to their will, whether you want to or not. So really, this whole thing is kind of part of your life, you just won't remember during day to day events that it ever happened. Next question?"

"What about those of us who don't look or act anything like any of you? Why were we labeled as stand-ins on our forms?" This time the boy called was one he didn't know, though the man's hair was doing a rather unique trick he couldn't say he'd ever seen before.

"We'll get to that. Some of you, unfortunately, will never get out of the realm of badfic. In badfic, let's just say that you don’t really have to look or act like the person they say you are. Hell, sometimes you'll even get lucky and get to keep your own name." He gestured to a rather arrogant looking person who vaguely resembled him. "For instance, this guy here? He's Sack." The man gave them all a wave. "He makes an appearance with his brother Zach all the time in fictions that feature me, and he'll be helping out with some while we're explaining the badfic portion of the seminar. And before you guys ask, yes, I do have a brother named Zax, he'll be helping out with the good fic portions of this thing. Anything else before we get started?"

He looked around, but everyone seemed to have decided to hold their questions until the end of the demonstrations. His gaze turned back to the podium as a blond came up on the stage, Sephiroth himself on his heels. He wasn't the only one who was amazed to see the man, though he heard some muttering back behind him amid the crowd, speculation on just how in depth this seminar was going to get.

"I'm sure all of you recognize General Sephiroth. Now take a good look at him. Green glowing feline eyes, long silvery hair, tall, muscular. Right? Remember, this is how the man is supposed to look. Note the lack of the leer and such, also, his eyes never magically change color or shape." Zack steered the other man to the front of the stage, and the General let him, looking more amused and exasperated than anything else. "This is the normal state of the average pre-dead Sephiroth. He is the one most of you will get to deal with, since this is a military setting. Doesn't look like a rapist, right? Right. Because that's not really his thing." 

When he released the man, he moved back to take a seat towards the back of the stage. 

Zack, apparently unfazed, immediately reached out to snag the blond, who just gave them all a weak wave. "And this is Cloud Strife, more affectionately known as Spike by yours truly. Can we have a show of hands for those with spiky blond hair in the crowd?" There was some hesitation, then hands started to go up all around the auditorium. "Alright, you guys? This here is your role model. He's a good guy. The harder you try to be like him, the more likely you are to get picked for good fic instead of badfic. Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do, but you might, with luck, get the good end of the stick."

The new man, Cloud, started to speak at this point. He paid closer attention because he'd been one of the unfortunates that had to raise his hand a moment before. He didn't even have blue eyes, he had brown, so he wasn't sure how this worked, but he decided it was better to be safe than sorry.

"Like Zack said, my name is Cloud Strife. I am a thirty-year-old and I've had to defeat Sephiroth several times in the course of my lifetime. I didn't just let him beat on me, and he didn't let me beat on him either. In the end, it doesn't matter, because I beat the man anyway. It's what I do pretty much. I'm not a weak whimpering simpering thing. Sure, yes, I can admit I did used to have a crush on Sephiroth. When I was younger he could make me stutter and call him sir, but not anymore. Those of you who resemble me when I got older, and yes, you may not think you do, but you do, will need to remember you have a spine. You're going to need it when those fangirls try to rip it out for their personal use. Even when I was younger I had a spine, and it is something to keep in mind. I know some of you will have to lose yours. A lot. But it stops being humiliating after a while and you just take it as a chore." He paused to make a face. "I don't envy the ones who take my place in those things even a bit. Okay. I'm going to be chiming in more later, but for now I'm handing you off to Zax." 

The blond stepped back and shorter haired of the two, that had to be Zax since Zack seemed to have it all the way down his back, stepped forward. It seemed to be the only real contrast between the them, Zach and Sack looking nothing alike by contrast.

"Hi. I've already been introduced, and while I'm the younger of the two of us, we're pretty alike for the most part. You'll find that this is going to be key later on, because the less like your resembled person you are, the more screwed you get." He waved at them all, then flashed a grin and shook his head. "Okay, we keep tossing around the terms good fic and badfic, so it's about time we explained it. Good fic gets about as close to your model attitude and appearance as you can get without flowery language and outlandish changes to someone else. The situation is still the same, keep in mind this whole thing is about rape, loosely speaking, so there is a little bit of wiggle room, but not so much. You wiggle too far and you wiggle right over into badfic. Badfic is when you look and act nothing like your model person is supposed to, in the more extreme instances anyway. We'll give you an example of this and you'll see how it just doesn't work. You'll get paper examples when it's time for you to go."

Zax paused to look over the crowd before nodding to himself. "Right, Zack, could you hit the overhead?"

The lights turned low, causing some louder whispers, but the lights on the stage got brighter. Well, in one area at least, where a pair of people were obviously waiting to be given leave to move. Neither of them quite looked like the other people who had been on the stage before, but it was clear that one was supposed to be Sephiroth, and the other was supposed to be Cloud, though younger.

"We used to start these things with examples of good fic, but it seemed as though people felt we didn't leave them any leniency to their own personal reactions. Because of that, we no longer do, but a key point that you need to consider is that the two most intense reactions are to fight, and to ignore. Now, these aren't the only reactions possible, so don't feel trapped in by them, but they are the ones that will likely fit the best. We'll be pausing the two giving the demonstration regularly to point out what was wrong with it." The words seemed to be a cue, though the speaker was no longer visible because of the darkness of the area, and the pair on stage started to move.

The Sephiroth moved forward, advancing on the blond with loud steps, his entire expression incredibly gleeful as he grabbed the blond.

One of those on stage started to talk. "Now, not to be offensive to Seph, but sometimes these expressions are just plain out of place. I'm not saying the man isn't allowed to be pleased with himself, but why glee? He hasn't even done anything yet! You also want to note the way he's walking. He doesn't make noise when he walks, not normally, but for some reason it gets excessive attention in scenes like this."

When the speaker quieted, the Cloud was jerked around, tears coming to his eyes as his hands fisted, and it was clear that the grip on him apparently hurt even from where he was seated. It seemed overdone.

"Now, I get being startled, by what are the tears for? When he was older than he would be in this scene, though only maybe a few months older, at best, he was stabbed through the torso, and I don't know about you, but I didn't see any tears then, did any of you? Anyone?"

Sephiroth reeled him in, taking advantage of the younger man's obvious shock, and fisted his other hand in his hair. It was clear the two had microphones on them when his voice came loud and clear through the building. "Hello darling, were you looking for me?" 

"Endearments just aren't Seph's thing. They seriously aren't. No, not even when he's trying to rape you."

"No… Could you... please let go of me? That hurts." The blond didn't try to fight the hold, not beyond twisting weakly in place anyway, and the look on his face was a bit creepy with how hopeless it was, his voice trembling over the speakers.

"While there isn't anything wrong with the words in and of themselves, did you notice the tone? Why is he giving up so fast? Seph may be a big and bad person, but just like Spike shouldn't be crying yet, if he's even going to, he shouldn't be petrified yet either. Not to say it can't happen, but he'd be trying a bit harder to get out of the hold, right? You'd think so anyway."

"Hmmm, no." The taller man laughed, and he was unnerved to see the expression on the man's face was... glittery? No, that was his hair, which had suddenly started reflecting light like crazy. He hadn't thought he'd need sunglasses for this thing, and he made a note to take them to the next place they were supposed to go to. Just in case. Shaking off his thoughts, he turned his attention back to the pair, having missed something since the blond had been hauled into a kiss while he was distracted. 

"I don't think I even need to point out what was wrong this time, do I? It's pretty self-evident. I'm sorry for the special effects everyone, they couldn't be avoided."

The blond went mostly limp in the other man's grip, though the fists he'd made earlier pounded soundlessly, even for the microphone, on the Sephiroth stand-in's chest. He wanted to know why the hell the guy hadn't kicked the bigger man in the groin if he wanted loose, it wasn't like he had his legs together. Kneeing would have had some effect, even on the General.

"And here, everyone, is where things start to really get unreal."

The kiss finally ended, and he could hear some murmurs around him from others in the audience. None of them were close enough for him to get a good idea from what they were saying, though he could guess. Instead of looking for someone to confirm it with, he kept his eyes on the stage, watching the stand-in for the General move all the way across the stage to a desk so he could drop the blond on it. He was pretty sure that the man was carrying him. By the upper arm. It hurt his head to figure out exactly how that worked. He was focused enough on that part of things he almost missed the start of the blond's purely verbal, and somewhat panicked at that, demands that the other man let him go, not to mention the start of the tears.

"Yes, everyone, please remember that physics have no place in these things. Badfic knows not that thing called gravity. Sure, it's only kinda known to the rest of us, but don't worry, he actually wasn't put in any more pain than he already had been to be carried like that. If he had been, it wouldn't have been a badfic move. Well, not as much anyway."

He knew he wasn't the only one who blinked when just touching the Cloud stand-in's clothing made it vanish. And the man didn't even keep a hand on him at this point either, letting the sobbing blond roll over as though to crawl away. He felt he'd missed something of vital importance.

"That little trick there was known as 'clothes, what clothes?' Sometimes an author will conveniently forget that she never undressed you and poof, naked and ready to go. Keep in mind that ready to go does not mean lube. Lube is not the friend of the badfic author, though there is the rare occasion when someone would take pity and give you some anyway, but I guarantee there would be a whole other slew of things out of place if it's a badfic."

About then, the lights came up, and the two on stage both positively sagged in relief, Zach coming from the far left of the stage to bring the Cloud stand-in a blanket. It seemed that Sack had taken over the microphone during the example. "From that point, the scene could have gone a myriad of ways. Tears were to be expected, and Cloud wouldn't have, at any point, tried to use effective fighting. It wouldn't have been appropriate to badfic. Had he not used any lube, Cloud still would have liked it, no matter how violent it got. Unimaginable I know, but he would have, that's just the way these things work. Cloud might even have told Sephiroth that he loved him and it would have been perfectly acceptable to the scene as it stood. For those wondering, blood was optional. Sometimes pain is mentioned, and sometimes bleeding is as well, but healing the damage, or even noticing it past an angst factor, is pretty much unheard of in badfic."

Sack stepped back, and Cloud himself finally retook the stand, looking around the auditorium at all those assembled. He blinked when he felt the man's eyes linger on him a moment, and it caused him to sit a bit straighter in his seat. Then again, it might have just been an illusion of having been looked at directly, as he wasn't the only one who reacted that way.

"If that had been a good fic, and I had been fighting, I would have taken advantage of the openings I'd been given. It's completely possible I would have frozen up, but if I had, I probably would have fought even harder once it wore off until it became glaringly clear that not only could I not hurt him in a way to get him to let go, but that I wouldn't be able to run away either. He would have had to fight me for my clothes, and I certainly wouldn't have trusted him after, which was almost the guaranteed outcome in that scene. It would be an entirely different situation if it hadn't been the first time, or if we had had some kind of relationship already. Realism is a friend of good fic and an enemy of badfic. Remember that. Also. Badfic makes itself a lot more distinct from your normal life than good fic does, because good fic, if it's really good enough, will suck you in and spit you out without you ever noticing a blip that says an author was playing with you."

Zack finally took the stand back from Cloud as the blond moved to check on his stand-in. 

"This isn't the only way badfic can go. Sometimes the person you're portraying won't fight at all, just lay there and take it. Other times they will actively help and then say they don't like it, or say no even while they're undoing his pants for him. And sometimes the only thing wrong is that everything is so sparkly and colorful that you're not sure what's going on at all. The situation isn't a good one, and this Seph here, who I like to think is the real one, isn't really a person who goes in for the whole raping thing so much, like I said before, but authors will be authors, so you have to be ready for them. On your way out, alias specific booklets and general behavioral information will be handed to you. We sincerely ask that you look them over. They give you ways to try and make yourself a better candidate for good fic instead of bad, and in some cases, they even give options to avoiding this particular scenario altogether. Good luck everyone. When you head out please exit using the door to the east wall of the auditorium, and your guides will take you along to the workshop area you've been assigned for the evening."

He watched as the man waved at everyone and went to talk to the others on stage with him for a moment, then got up to go get the booklets. His specific one was for Cloud Strife, though he was surprised at how thick that one was while the other was only about fifty pages. Fifty pages was a lot by itself, but he was pretty sure that wasn't the point. Wanting to see if his guess was anywhere near correct, he opened the alias book, glancing down over the table of contents before flipping to the back. Four hundred and seventeen pages. Surprisingly, most of it didn't seem to directly relate to the scene the seminar had been about.

Their group had to wait for Zack, but once he got there, he eyed the man with deeper respect, following him off to the workshop. 

He hoped that he'd be able to handle this lifestyle, because he had a feeling there was no getting out of it now.


End file.
